I’d like to issue a small complaint. About complainers. If you’ve read this blog for very long, you know that I back away from doing public service announcements. I try not to post “Don’t Do This” or “Things You Shouldn’t Say” lists. Mostly because, ahem. I’ve done it or said it. Soap boxes are slippery that way. I’ve been insensitive. I’ve opened my mouth without thinking. I’ve uttered the completely wrong sentiment to someone who is going through something of which I have no understanding. So I want you to know there is no judgement in this post, just observation. And a little perspective.
With that qualifier, I set forth the following. Pregnant women of America, please stop complaining.
I’m not talking about the “man, I’m tired” or the “I can’t get comfortable sleeping” or the “holy cow, I didn’t think I could sweat this much” complaints. Those aren’t really complaints. They’re light hearted. Normal. They are expressions and manifestations of the wonderful thing happening inside your belly. Those proclamations are totally understandable, and a sweet rite of passage. You get to say them. And while I very much wish that I had been able to say them myself, those statements don’t make me cringe. You are growing a life. You should be able to talk about the changes in your body that growing a human requires. It’s ok.
It’s the incessant complainers that make me cringe a little (ok, sometimes a lot) inside. The ones who label their pregnancies miserable. Terrible. Can’t wait to get this thing over with. The ones who list every possible inconvenience their current maternity status brings. The ones who wish their baby would give them a break. The complaints that end with, “I just want this baby out of me”. The ones who might dare to utter, “this baby better come before his due date.” And the ones who endlessly obsess and complain about the growing length of their stretch marks.
I know your hormones are raging. I know you must feel very uncomfortable at times. I know you feel un-pretty. I know you want to get back to doing the things you were able to do before becoming pregnant. I know the glucose tolerance test takes terrible to a new level. I know nothing fits. I know it seems like the months are going by so slow. I know you just wish you could get this thing done.
Here’s what else I know. I know what a baby looks like when he’s born so early you can see through his skin. I know that in the same group of women to whom you just complained for 20 minutes, 1 or 2 of them are trying desperately to get pregnant . They would give anything to be as miserably uncomfortable as you say you are. I know that you don’t really want to see your baby before he’s due. You don’t want to see him turn gray or blue or yellow because he’s stopped breathing, he’s sick or he’s severely jaundiced.
I know that you would rather hold your plump baby a few days after his due date than hold him months or weeks before his scheduled arrival. Both of you tangled in wires and beeping monitors, you being mindful not to bump the tube mechanically helping him breathe. I know that stretch marks are gone from your mind when your baby is heading into his 2nd, 3rd or 4th surgery. I know that you would drink a glucose tolerance shake every single day if it meant you wouldn’t have to watch your baby get one more chest x-ray. Or blood transfusion. Or spinal tap. I know you don’t want to watch as your child struggles to hit milestones like speaking, eating and walking because he came weeks or months early. I know you don’t want to give a code to a receptionist every day so you can see your baby. I know you don’t want your sweet baby to miss one single developmentally important day inside your womb.
I know you don’t really mean those things.
Rejoice in your healthy pregnancy. Be grateful for a body that didn’t betray you. Anticipate with joy and humbleness a baby born without significant setbacks. Consider perspective. Before you complain. Contemplate the alternative. I get it, there are times when you need to just let it fly-irrational or otherwise. Spouses and best friends are good for those moments. Groups of people-not so much. Often unknown to you, are the circumstance of the friend beside you who wants (or wanted) more than anything to have the healthy pregnancy that you are lamenting. You have been given one of the greatest blessings of your life. Of your baby’s life. Be mindful of those around you who have not been given that same gift. Offer thanksgiving to the One who chose you for this gift. Recognize the miracle. And be thankful.
“Do everything without grumbling or arguing.” Philippians 2:14
This is where I would normally show pictures relevant to my post. I do not have any pictures, however of my pregnant self. So, these cute pictures of Tucker will have to do…
We went to one house for Halloween. And one driveway. We did, though, take a lot of pictures!
Our Panthers are making a run. Tucker’s a fan.
Danielle Smith says
Look i understand and have heard the very same comments that you have.and i also have seen friends deal with infertility, loss and way preemie babies but you can’t make a blanket statement about the annoyance of these type of comments because you may not understand the persons situation at the time. I had two lovely wonderful pregnancies and the got pregnant a third time i from four weeks on was in and out of the hospital a total of 8 times for HG related complications and on several days can remember saying that i wanted it to be over and in reality i didn’t want her to be out and suffer but i didn’t want to suffer anymore.i am sure that most women (not all) don’t truly mean the comments they may just really be having a hard day or few months and are seeking comfort. The people who have fluff pregnancies do need to think before they speak though.
Heather says
Thanks for your comment Danielle. I’m sorry you had such a rough pregnancy.
Kami says
I agree somewhat with your post, but what about those of us who waited and waited to get pregnant and now we are, and our life as well as our little one’s life has been in danger due to illnesses?? Did you ever think about that?? I’ve dealt with Hyperemesis since 5 weeks pregnant, been hospitalized 4 times and can’t move without taking a nausea medication. Do I not have a right to complain?? I’ve gotten other complications as well, but the Hyperemesis has put OUR lives into danger. I’m now 28 weeks and praying this little guy can hang in there as long as possible. I agree that the women out there who have morning sickness for like a week need to shut up. Honestly, pregnancy has been hell for me. This is my first child and will be my last, I can’t go through this again. And I’m tired of people like you telling me to suck it up and deal with it…when you are throwing up everything, even a sip of water, for months on end and hooked up to IV’s with every known safe medication out there, then you can tell me to stop complaining!!!
Heather says
Kami,
I’m very sorry your pregnancy isn’t going well. I know how that feels. I will pray and hope for your baby to be born healthy and as close to your date date as possible.
Melissa says
I don’t think you’re the type of person the writer is referring to. You are going through some very serious complications, much the same as many of us preemie parents went through. But even while you’re going through this terrible ordeal during your pregnancy, I’d be willing to bet you’re not hoping the baby would “just be born already” so you can be done with it. You, like the rest of us, likely want more than anything to keep the baby inside you until it is safe to deliver…to give your baby the best shot possible at surviving and being without lifelong problems resulting from being born prematurely. I wish you well and hope you can find relief as you wait for your little one’s arrival.
Alana says
YES! Honestly, I had such an awful pregnancy, and I really did hate it and wished it could be over. And then…I gave birth at 25 weeks. Now I wish (oh, how I wish!!!) I could go back and do it over, even just for a day, and really appreciate what a privilege it was. I now have an incredibly acute understanding (as I think all prem moms do), of how many people out there are overhearing these complaints in line at the supermarket, or sitting in coffee shop, and cringing at how heartbreaking they are and will continue to be, not only for themselves, but for ALL the women out there struggling to get pregnant, struggling to stay pregnant, dealing with loss, dealing with NICUs and babies born far too soon. I never realized it before, but being able to complain about your totally normal pregnancy? What a gift that is. Thanks for sharing.
Heather says
Alana,
Thanks for reading and commenting! It is something you don’t always think about until there’s a problem. So many people want healthy pregnancies. Thanks for sharing!
Lauren Mobley says
I sobbed reading your words that could have straight from my mouth. After losing our daughter at 24 weeks and struggling for 8 months to get pregnant again, my heart breaks for you. There are four women at my work currently pregnant and six others in our small church. Sometimes taking those steps into the buildings are the hardest things in the world. Thank you for sharing a truth so many forget.
Heather says
Lauren,
So very sorry to hear about your loss. Yes, it is very hard to understand why some women have perfect pregnancies and some just don’t. Thanks for sharing!
Alycia Gornick says
Thank you for this. I was in the hospital for 5 weeks from 24 weeks pregnant till I had her at 28 weeks. Praying to keep her inside of me….and then to hear people wanting to end their pregnancy early because they ARE MISERABLE not knowing someone else would give their life to stay pregnant and be that miserable. Makes me want to punch them! As I was in the h hospital my friend was 1.5 weeks further along than me and asked me when she came to visit if I thought if she asked her dr would they induce her at 29 weeks…blew my mind…
Heather says
Alycia,
I can’t even begin to understand why your friend would say she wanted to deliver so early. What a long road you’ve had. Thank you for reading and for sharing part of your story!
Stephanie says
Amen and Amen. Thank you for posting this. I don’t know who you are (I saw this shared on a facebook friends page) but I love what you said. I’ve dealt with infertility for years and we are now finally pregnant. I’m beyond thrilled to have the morning sickness, lack of sleep, weird hormonal changes, and everything that goes along with this miracle inside of me. Thank you for your perspective!
Heather says
Thank you Stephanie. I’m glad you found me! We went through some infertility ourselves and it is very, very hard. I’m sorry you’ve experienced it. I’m praying all goes perfectly with your pregnancy! Congratulations!
Ginger says
I just want to say, you hit the nail on the head for me. I cried while reading this. I have a former 23 weeker, who is now 11 months old. I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me when I delivered her. I had to beg them to try and save her. The cut off is usually 24 weeks. My husband and I tried for her for 15 years and I couldn’t let her go! She was on a vent for 2 months, then sipap, cpap, and a nasal cannula for 8 months. We had a 116 day Nicu stay. We had 2 bilateral grade 2 brain bleeds, renal failure, numerous blood transfusions, and so much more. We were so lucky we got to bring her home, so many did not have the luxury. I was also luck in another sense. After trying for our micro preemie for so long we never thought it would happen again. While still in the Nicu and while baby #1 was only 2 months old I found out I was expecting #2. I was lucky enough to carry her to 37 weeks with progesterone shots and biweekly monitoring. To be honest I was hoping to make it to 40 weeks but due to blood pressure issues was advised we needed to induce. I am now a super thankful mommy of an 11 month old and 13 day old beautiful girls. Both miracles, one who they said wouldn’t live, and 1 who wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t had her big sister do early. If I had gone full term I would have still been pregnant with my first. Thank you for sharing this. I couldn’t have said it better. Totally enjoyed reading this.
Heather says
Thank you Ginger. Wow, what a road you’ve had. I’m so glad she’s home and I hope she’s doing well. I can imagine the surprise with your second pregnancy-wow! Thank you so much for reading and sharing your story. Good luck with those two little miracles!
Victoria says
Thank you. My very early preemie is now twenty-four but every time I hear these thoughtless comments I remember those six months in the NICU watching his every labored breath and then grieve the loss of his twin. On the other hand, I do remember the sleepless nights, the total exhaustion, and the swollen ankles of the other three pregnancies and then rejoice that they came into this world hollering with healthy lungs, perfect vision and bright futures.
Tucker is is beautiful little guy and a darling bumble bee. You are going to have so much fun with him during the holidays.
Heather says
Hi Victoria, I think I remember you from another post. I’m so sorry for the loss you had and I know that makes it even harder, I’m sure to hear women complain about their pregnancies. Thank you for the sweet comments and for reading!
Sarah Mason says
Heather:
I read this post with a lump in my throat as I snuggle with my now healthy 2.5 year old 28 week miracle Luke. Thank you for writing it. It needed to be said and as usual, you said it with gracious honesty.
I’d like to add social media, especially Facebook, to your list of places where it’s best to take a step back before posting pregnancy (or baby or toddler) complaints. You said it best — spouses and best friends and parents (God bless my Mom) are good for those moments.
P.S. Love Tucker’s blue suede shoes!
Heather says
Sarah! Thank you and I totally agree on the social media front. Way too much complaining out there 🙂 This reminds me that we never got together for lunch-let’s do it soon. I got Tucker’s shoes at Marshall’s of all places. 🙂