Crying at the Stoplights

It happened. I said it wouldn’t. I was ready for it. It would be no big deal. But there I was, laying out his clothes the night before. Making his bottles. Writing out his schedule. And color coding it. I felt it coming, tightening my heart a little, trying to sting my eyes. I ignored it and looked for my heels. And my pearls. And where did I put that pair of Spanx? I was going to need them.

Then it was time. Monday morning. My first day back to work. First of all-you should know this about me. I love my job. I truly feel like I’m doing exactly what I was meant to do and I have a great (no seriously) great job. So when I got pregnant there was no big gut wrenching decision to make. There was no skirting the question a lot of people ask when a working woman gets pregnant, “Will you go back?” My answer has always been ‘Yes’. Once the baby came, as long as everything goes as planned, I would go back to work. Because I loved it. And because I worked hard to get there. And because it’s part of who I am.

So why then, was I crying at the stoplight?

I am beyond blessed in so many ways. God gave us a double blessing in that my mom and Darrin’s mom live close and they are keeping Tucker at our house now that Darrin and I are both back at work. They are totally, completely and thoroughly spoiling our 13 pound chunk of a boy. I couldn’t ask for a better situation in terms of who is with Tucker when we’re at work. Seriously, the kid hasn’t seen the inside of his pack and play because our moms hold him the entire time he sleeps.

So. Why am I touching up my mascara in the rearview mirror?

Because I’m a mama now. Even when I love my job. Even when I have the perfect people to watch him. Even when I want to move forward in a career. I’m now, also forever and ever-a mama. And I miss him. Now at 10:30 a.m. after getting off a conference call, instead of thinking-“is it too early to eat lunch?” I’m thinking-“wonder how he’s doing? Did he roll over today?”

There were many parts of the day when it felt really good to be back at work. And I still feel like it’s right. For me, for our family, at this time in our life-my being a working mom is where we are and it is what I want. It presents new challenges for sure. And I miss him. A lot. It won’t be easy. As my friend Susan said to me, being a stay at home mom is hard, being a working mom is hard- they’re just two different kinds of hard. Both are challenging. Both are rewarding. And we’ll navigate through it just like so many other families do every day.

So, I’m amazed by you working moms and dads. And I’m taking advice. How do you do it so well? And for those of you who made the decision to be at home full time with your little ones, I’m in awe and envious. And I’m taking advice 🙂 How do you do it so well?

So here are some observations from my first week back at work:

1. Kleenex for the commute-at least the first few weeks
2. I am one lucky girl to have a mama and mother in law who can stay with Tucker
3. I love being back in heels
4. I hate Spanx
5. Seeing Tucker when I walk in the door makes a bad day at the office completely insignificant
6. 10:30 is probably too early for lunch
7. But not a snack (yay vending machine!)
8. I couldn’t do this without a rockstar husband who gets Tucker up and ready every morning
9. Back at work=pretty new computer bag right?
10. Tucker pictures on my desk look way better than staplers

Here’s to waterproof mascara,

Tucker’s mama
“May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us; establish the work of our hands for us-yes, establish the work of our hands.”

Psalm 90:17