I will never be a country music singer (which really is a shame, I have a great name for it). I will never be a size 4. I will never get my PhD. And I will never carry a pregnancy 40 weeks and give birth to a healthy baby.
There is a quote I saw recently that goes something like this: “At the end of your life, it will matter how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.” Hmm. Letting go of things not meant for me. Things desperately wanted. Things prayed for. Good things that are godly and righteous. Things that, though given to others, just aren’t within the perfectness that is God’s will for my life.
You mean letting go of those things? With grace. Wince. I ain’t good at that.
I need to be better. Tucker has taught me a great deal about being present. About relishing in the goodness and triumphs of today. But I need to be better. Better at letting go of expectations. I need to be better at being ok with those things for which I fervently begged, and God gently said, “No”. And I need to be better at being truly joyful for the people in my life for whom the same request was offered up and the answer was “Yes.”
In letting go with grace, those things that just aren’t in the cards for me, I hope I’ll find more peace. I hope I’ll find more joy in the present. I know I will see more clearly the plan perfectly crafted for my life. For Tucker’s life. I will find the perfectness that God intended when he didn’t give me that thing for which I prayed ceaselessly for. I will find purpose in my circumstance.
I love this blog post by a fellow preemie mom friend. She and another mom tackle a very difficult, yet very real topic for preemie parents in their post, ” When Your Preemie Doesn’t Defy the Odds“. They have amazing kids. Pierce and Bella started out very much like Tucker- at the edge of viability. Their paths though, took some different turns as they journeyed through preemie-ness. The kind of turns we prayed wouldn’t happen for Tucker, happened for them. And they didn’t pray any less fervently. They pleaded on bended knee as often and as humbly and as faithfully as we did. Yet their road has been much harder.
I had been wanting to post about this topic for a few weeks but couldn’t find the right words. I had started it several different times and it just wasn’t working. It wasn’t coming together. Turns out, it just wasn’t my post to write. It was their’s. Lindsay and Becky’s post isn’t just for preemie moms (but it is a good one, Preemie Nation), it’s really for any of us who have ever struggled with the plan going in a different direction. And how to let go, with grace.
“Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:8
It take time to come to terms with what isn’t within our reach. Following the birth of my twin daughters at 28 weeks, and the subsequent lose of one of the girls was hard enough but, I struggled for years with the feeling of loss and inadequacy of not being able to have anymore children of my own. Even now at 47 yrs old and my surviving daughter being an absolute 23 yr old miracle (She graduated Summa Cum Laude from University), I still feel loss and regret. I have often felt that I let her down, by not being able to have a sibling for her.
You are so right Jacquie, it does take time. I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter, I cannot imagine. Congrats on your super smart daughter-that is awesome! I’m sure she would tell you, you didn’t let her down in the least. Thank you so much for reading!
Holden's Mom says
Thank you for this post. I too have had to come to terms with having to let go things – carrying a healthy baby to full term being one of them – after having my son Holden at 24 weeks 6 days due to a placental abruption. We are at day 134 in the NICU and he’s doing well. We are nearing the end (hopefully just a couple more weeks) of our NICU stay and facing the scary yet joyful reality of him coming home. I’ve read your entire blog and caringbridge site and we are experiencing some of the same things you went through with Tucker. I’m so glad to have found you! It really helps to see you getting past some of the hurdles I know we will face too. Tucker is beautiful and you’re strength is inspiring. Thanks.
Holden’s mom-You made my day. I’m so, so glad that you have been able to read about Tucker’s story to know that others have crossed this path before you. And I’m even more overjoyed that Holden is coming home soon! It is scary and wonderful all at the same time to finally bring that baby home. I will be praying for you and those first weeks. Holden will thrive and you will do great!!
Becky Price says
Thank you for this beautiful post!!
Becky-YOU inspired my post. It wouldn’t come together until I read your post!