Lam-en-ta-tion. (noun) The passionate expression of grief or sorrow.
We should be on a plane. Right now, at this very moment, we should be in row 16 middle and window seat. We bought the tickets, upgraded the seats for Darrin’s extra long legs, rented the car, booked the hotel. I had a gift, a whole little package for her. A package of all the stuff you would take to the hospital when “it’s time”-a robe, pjs, snacks-her favorite was Almond Joy. I was going to surprise her with it this weekend.
We should be meeting our little girl’s birth mother this weekend. But 10 days ago, she changed her mind.
Rewind 6 weeks to a normal Friday night, movie night with Tucker and my phone buzzed with a text. “Hey Heather, I just heard from the caseworker and the birthmom chose you guys!” We were chosen. Finally! We were FINALLY matched with a birthmom. A baby girl, to be born in early January and her birthmom had thoughtfully read all the profile books and she chose US. She liked us, wanted to know us. We set up a phone conference with her, signed the contract and started making plans. We looked at calendars for weekends we could come visit before the birth-to meet her, check out the hospital, find a place to stay when the baby was born. It should all be going down this weekend. Tomorrow morning, in fact.
Instead. We’re just not. It’s the emptiest feeling. We were 6 weeks from a baby girl Hucks. I was bursting to tell the world. And now-we’re just…not.
I tried you guys. I tried not to buy all the little girls clothes. I tried not to start switching the nursery from boy to girl. I put at least HALF the stuff back on the shelf at Pottery Barn Kids Outlet-and I pretended not to see the “ALL SALES FINAL” sign. It didn’t matter-this was the one. I was sure.
We told Tucker. The memory of his excitement then is utterly unbearable now. He wants a baby maybe more even, than us. Telling him it wasn’t happening was torture. “But we prayed for it, Mommy.” Yep. Yep we did. We have. We have over and over and over AGAIN. “I know, buddy-we thought it was our turn for a baby, but it wasn’t. We’ll have to wait a little longer.”
Ya’ll. I’m not sure my heart was made for this. I must be missing it. Whatever God is doing here, I am not GETTING IT. I believe that he is trustworthy. And faithful. I am thankful for the blessings he has handily bestowed on Team Hucks. But right now. I am not understanding one little bit. For reals. I got nothing. Nothing but lamentations. And lots of them, friends. Have you been there? When there’s just nothing left but lamenting?
There isn’t a definitive answer on who exactly wrote the book of Lamentations. It ain’t a joyful book. Complete opposite of Psalms. Wailing and weeping. Despair. Dramatic. “He has broken my teeth with gravel and trampled me in the dust.” Whoa Hunger Games. It’s deep and dark. Like, don’t ever read it after watching Beaches. An entire book of the Bible dedicated to passionate expressions of grief and sorrow. Jeremiah probably gets most often nailed with it’s authorship.
But I don’t really care who wrote it. I just feel it too, brother.
Lamentations writer. Suffer-er. Passionate express-or of grief. Gnash-er of teeth and tear-er of robes.
Lamenting is kind of my jam right now.
Prayers welcomed. Christmas miracles hoped for. Thanks for following our journey.
“My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the LORD.” Lamentations 3:18
“Joy is gone from our hearts; our dancing has turned to mourning.” Lamentations 5:15
“My eyes fail from weeping, I am in torment within; my heart is poured out on the ground because my people are destroyed” Lamentations 2:11
“I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” Lamentations 3:24
“They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:23
Summer Hogan says
Thinking and praying for you guys right now. I don’t know your exact pain but I feel it deep down. All I can say is hang in there, try and survive the grief and you will have you baby, and it will be the one God is creating for your family! Love you guys!
kitty soesbee says
You bring to mind Hannah who prayed for a son. Remain faithful, little mama. God will, in His own time, answer your prayer. Much love and many hugs to you!
Geraldine Fox says
My heart breaks for your family tonight, as you go through this heartache.
In God’s time your prayers will be answered.
Your faith will bring you guys through this.
Know that you have many friends and family praying for God’s will to be done.
Praying for your Comfort,