“Hi guys, just wanted to let you know that the birthmom chose another family.”
It stung less when we were earlier in the process. Back when we thought we would be matched quickly and when adoption seemed more rainbow and less disappointments. After all, our profile book is ADORABLE. Smiling, laughing, Disney pictures, family pictures, vacation pictures, reading books, baking cookies-all things that should scream-We’re Cool! We’re fun-loving! We are great parents! For the love of Free Willy and Dory, there’s a picture of me kissing a dolphin in our profile book.
The most recent Not You email was this morning. It was a situation we got Monday. One that I was excited about, one that seemed right for our family. The birthmom, on paper, seemed like one that might not mind that we had another child, that I was 40, that we both worked a full time job. This one was a baby girl. Due at Thanksgiving-oh hey, Jesus-nice touch. In my mind this week, I had bought plane tickets, named her, bought her coming home outfit, put her in our Christmas card picture.
But then. The Not You email.
She’ll be in some other family’s Christmas picture. Maybe they’ve been waiting longer. Maybe they’ve had more heartache than us. Maybe they have more to offer. But probably. Mostly. It was just a perfect, right fit. And I can’t bemoan the sweetness that a family who has love to give has now been matched with a baby to love. God created our hearts with such stretchy abundant capacity. It has the ability to feel happy about the celebration of their match and still feel hugely disappointed that it wasn’t us. Current state: a little more on the disappointed side
One thing I worked out in my heart several years ago was moving towards more real conversations with God. Being less fluff and circumstance and more Real Housewives of North Carolina. This is Day 3 of waiting to see if we had been chosen. So this morning on my commute (in between duet-ing with Mick Jagger about Satisfaction) as I do most days, I prayed about the situation for which we had applied:
“OK so, you know we haven’t heard anything yet. I mean-of course you know-but are you on it? Please be in the midst of her decision, God. Please give her courage and discernment on what you want her to do. Like if you could just maybe put our profile book at the top of the stack? I want to tell you to make her pick us. But I know that’s not how it works. I KNOW. Your timing is perfect. You have something for all of us and a plan perfectly designed for that baby. But seriously, can she pick us?”
Then after the Not You email:
“Seriously God? No, for real. I’m over it with the waiting. Over IT. What’s the end game here? I KNOW. Your timing is perfect. But maybe we could get on the same page with that? You see because I thought we were ready. For the baby girl in Florida, for that baby boy in Texas, definitely for the one in Nebraska or really any of the others-Minnesota, Arizona, Georgia. Please don’t make me wait for a Not You from every state in the union. Ok listen. I trust you. I DO. I know your plans are sovereign. I know it’s not all about me and my wants. But two years?? I’m starting to whine. I’m losing perspective. So, I need a minute here. I’ll talk to you in an hour (or three) when I’m not so OVER IT. Because right now, God-I’m. Over. It.”
And then I really showed Him, I didn’t even give an “amen.”
So here I am. Mad. At the Creator of Like EVERYTHING. About a situation that I keep believing HE has ordained. Over here, jack hammer typing in all my human-ness. All my selfishness. Ignoring the knocks at the window of my conscious by the sometimes-annoying-as-crap-and-always-comes-at-the-wrong/right-time… Mr. Perspective (Hello wonderful family God has given to you already, Hello impossible decision this birthmom has to make, Oh, hi there- people who have waited longer, suffered harder and some who don’t ever even get the privilege and opportunity to adopt a child).
What I’m sure about is this. There are seasons in our lives when we wait. Those are hard seasons, and let me tell you dearies, Team Hucks should KNOW. We are professional waiters. But I also know, even as I ANGRY-TYPE this post, that waiting sometimes yields the most splendid fruits. I know this now-deep down somewhere past my disappointment about today’s Not You email and I will recognize it years from now when I look back at this time on our family timeline. Me and the Creator will make up at some point today. We always do. He wants me to be real with Him and I need to be able to tell Him, in the moment, and in the real-est Heather-From-The-Block way, my fears and frustrations-it’s how relationships work.
He knows how to pull me back in. Remind me of his faithfulness and my own. Sometimes Jesus, Spotify and Mick Jagger gang up on me.
You can’t always get what you want…but you get what you need.
Ok. I hear you. I hear you.
“These things I have spoken to you. So that in ME you will have PEACE. In this life you will have trouble. But take HEART, I have overcome the world.” John 16:33